I am going to keep this simple and straight to the point. The Dictionary.com definition of “Intimacy.”
1. the state of being intimate.
2.a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3.a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.:
an intimacy with Japan.
4.an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like:
to allow the intimacy of using first names.
5.an amorously familiar act; liberty.
7.the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar:
Let’s break down “intimacy” into two categories. Physical Intimacy, which will be defined as any sexual activity and Emotional Intimacy, which will be defined as close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship, as in a best friend kind of intimacy. Here is the deal; we all come into relationships with our own perspective, experience, personality, character, temperament, gifts, and so forth. When we are trying to get to know someone it takes a lot of time. Think about it, the people you call your “best friend” you have probably known the longest. Have they lied to you? Have they hurt your trust? Probably…and you have probably done the same to them. If you were hurt bad enough you ended the friendship. But if it was someone you thought you could work things out with, you stayed working though it and growing your relationship. You have learned through the process and will continue learning through this process we call life who you can and cannot trust. “Chains” from our past and our present can hold us back from really embracing our relationships. It’s a very difficult delicate process sometimes. But without TIME you will never know if you can trust them and how deep that trust can go. With time and commitment you gain responsibility for one another. Expectations, boundaries, and standards for the relationship get set. But you really never know if you can trust this person without time. That’s that. To me, without trust your relationship is about as rocky as it gets. It’s one of those things that makes or breaks relationships. We will talk about that on Day 5. But this is a key part of understanding intimacy.
With Emotional Intimacy there are different stages. (Everyone goes through these stages in different time frames.) At first it’s more of an acquaintance level. You don’t tell your deepest darkest secrets…you would be a fool to do so. (Why? Because you don’t know if you can trust them!) Next, you start sharing things you like, hobbies, the work you do, just basics of life. You decide if this is someone you really want to talk to more. Sometimes if they are appealing to the eye you dismiss some red flags. This is where you start getting into trouble. And trust me at this stage it’s so easy to justify or excuse things. This person may even tell you they “are working on it.” Well, stop here and see if they truly are. Let TIME tell you. What one person thinks is “working on it,” is not the same for the other. In addition, people relapse all the time, so really step back and think, “Okay if I were to take what this person just told me and write it up as a “wanted ad” would I really answer it? Put it on paper and step back BEFORE the “heart” blinds you. Once you start seeing if this person is really who they say they are little seeds of trust get planted. I would say it takes at least a good year before you will get a solid understanding of who they are and who they claim to be.
Okay so stop. Think about that. A year. Think about the people you have known for a year and what do you know about them? Do you know how they will react in highly stressful situations? If yes, then think about that in 20 years. How does it look? If no, then realize you have a lot to learn yet.
Girls like to think that guys are their “best friend” and that they will meet all of their emotional needs for friendship. Guys can…to a degree. It is important for him to listen, they just tend to like the outline, and a girlfriend can get all the details. Girls want emotional intimacy first. They are wired that way. Guys want physical intimacy first. That is how they are wired. Do you see an issue here? Let’s look closer at the Physical Intimacy.
Physical Intimacy happens in stages as well as Emotional Intimacy, those we tend to be a bit more familiar with. You know the whole, meeting, hugging, holding hands, kissing, making out, heavy making out, foreplay and then intercourse. Need I say more? Probs not, you got it…
So think about this, being physically intimate with someone does not make you know them any more as a person. For instance, I can have sex with someone and never even know their first name. And I can be emotionally intimate with someone, know everything about them, and not have sex with them! One does not equal the other. Okay? So when your lips are not locking you are probably talking and the only way to grow emotionally with someone is to talk. Sex with that person does not make that person owe you, love you, cherish you, value you, or even give a care what your first name is. Not by today’s standards.
You want the truth. Guys want to be respected. They know a girl who will respect herself is a girl who will respect them. This is the kind of girl they take home to mom. This is the kind of girl that is a trophy you show off and brag about the rest of your life. Deep down in every man is the desire to be respected. Girls want to be loved. A girl that knows a guy truly loves her is a girl that feels valued. She has a guy that is about taking time to get to know her as a person. At the core of every girl is the deep desire to be loved and valued. That is the kind of guy she wants to take home to her dad.
When you know someone emotionally, you know their heart, character, temperament, hurt, passions, goals, dreams, and when you commit yourself to that ONE person is when trust will be the greatest. And when trust is the greatest, the sex is the best. Add others into that whether it be porn or “hook ups” no matter how hard you tell yourself it is no big deal, when your life, health, and well-being is at stake, it is a big deal. It’s a really big deal.
We live life with a “here and now” mentality but what we are missing is that good things come to those who wait. Unfortunately anymore I find people would rather have sex than let someone in their heart. Why? Because there is less risk in doing that, so they think…I sit with young adults that have been so broken and hurt by relationships. I want to encourage you; you are not defined by anything other than what you do with your circumstances. You are in control of that. You can let it define you or you can define it.
I will leave you with this, if you really want to get to know someone for whom they really are, do not rush into the sex. I know it’s hard. I get it. Set boundaries and stick to them. If they won’t wait, you don’t want them. I would rather know that BEFORE “hooking up!” Understand at the point of french-kissing a guy’s body starts getting ready for sex. It isn’t until the heavy-making-out when the girl’s body starts getting ready. (Add drugs and/or alcohol into this and it will be very hard not to have sex or even care about the after effects…) Set your boundaries way before that and like I said if your lips aren’t locking you are probably talking. Don’t risk your health, life, and well-being on hoping someone will love, respect and value you in the end. Over the next 6 days we will expand on all this more, but trust me, you are worth more than just a night of sex. You are a person with a whole lot more to offer.