You Need to Ask 1,000 Questions Here is a hilarious, but true video. Regardless of your beliefs what this Pastor is saying about asking 1,000 questions is right on! There are main points I think every relationship needs to discuss with in the first month or two of dating. Questions I ask young adult when talking to me about their relationship regardless of how long they been together.
- Where are they from?
- How many siblings? Where do they fit in birth order?
- Are parent still married? If not, when did they divorce?
- What is their view of their parents? Their relationship?
- Where do they work and what are their future plans?
- Have they had any serious relationships in the past? How long? Why did they break up?
- How much time do you spend together?
- What do your friends/family think of them?
- Do they call you names when you fight?
- What do you like about them?
- Where have you set your boundaries?
- What are their friends like? Do you like them?
- Do they talk to the opposite sex a lot and how do you feel about it?
- Where do you hope this goes?
- How do they line up with your future dreams and goals?
- How does this impact your future?
- How do they treat their parents?
- How do they treat their siblings?
- How do they treat you?
- Do they meet your standards? What are you wavering on?
These are very basic questions that start looking at how they are currently doing relationships and where they are at in life. It’s basic information. You should know the majority of this information within the first few months. But when you start looking at marriage you need to ask a whole lot more questions. My mother in law was not too fond of me so she came up with her own questionnaire that we had to answer. I was totally offended. But I am glad we took the time to answer them. I learned we covered a lot of things in our conversations and had the same outlook. So, before your future in-law gives you a questionnaire you need to ask the questions.
Another thing that needs to be mentioned is Co-habitation. People just move in with one another and learn this stuff the hard way. I honestly do not think living together before you are married is a good idea. I have seen lots of couples fall apart fast, yet are stuck in a lease. Or when the girl gets pregnant and the dynamic of responsibility becomes a major sore spot. They live like they are married by but are not. If you are married it is natural for the man to support the woman financially at the birth of their baby. But in Co-habitation you are lovers that are roommates. That is a different dynamic. Also, I have seen several couples cohabitate for many years and now that the relationship is falling apart they are walking away with nothing. One lady I just met was with her boyfriend the last 17 years and he is super controlling. She has told him she is leaving unless he changes. Well he refuses to change because the problem is her not him…. She has been raising their children all these years and helped him get his business going. Her choice to leave, leaves her with nothing. Everything in that home was bought with “his” money. She doesn’t have the means to support her children therefore he got custody. Had they been married then all the work she did at home and for the family would be recognized in a court of law. Instead she is in her 40’s with nothing. She is in an uphill battle trying to make ends meet and work this all out. These questions may seem like no big deal, but 17 years down the road they are a big deal. And again I cannot stress the time needed to see if what they say is true.
Here are some questions to ask along the way:
- How many kids do you want?
- What values do you want to install in your children?
- How do you want to discipline your kids?
- What would you do if one of your children said he was homosexual?
- What if our children didn’t want to go to college?
- How much say do children have in a family?
- How comfortable are you around children?
- Would you be opposed to having our parents watch the children so we can spend time alone together?
- Would you put your children in private or public school?
- What are your thoughts on homeschooling?
- Would you be willing to adopt if we couldn’t have kids?
- Would you be willing to seek medical treatment if we couldn’t have kids naturally?
- Do you believe it’s okay to discipline your child in public?
- How do you feel about paying for your kid’s college education?
- How far apart do you want kids?
- Would you want someone to stay home with the kids or use daycare?
- How would you feel if our kids wanted to join the military rather than go to college?
- How involved do you want grandparents to be in our parenting?
- How will we handle parental decisions?
Dealing With Conflict
- Would you be willing to go to marriage counseling if we were having marital problems?
- If there is a disagreement between me and your family, whose side do you choose?
- How do you handle disagreements?
- Would you ever consider divorce?
- Would you rather discuss issues as they arise or wait until you have a few problems?
- How would you communicate you aren’t satisfied sexually?
- What is the best way to handle disagreements in a marriage?
- How can I be better about communicating with you?
Moral, Political, Religious, Family Values and Beliefs
- What are your views on infidelity?
- What are your religious views on marriage?
- What’s more important, work or family?
- What are your political views?
- What are your views on birth control?
- Would you rather be rich and miserable or poor and happy?
- Who will make the biggest decisions of the household?
- What would you do if someone said something bad about me?
- Would you follow the advice of your family before your spouse?
- What do you believe the role of a wife is?
- Who should do household chores?
- What do you believe the role of a husband is?
- How do you feel about debt?
- Would you share all money with your spouse or split the money into different accounts?
- What are your views on saving money?
- What are your views on spending money?
- What if we both want something but can’t afford both?
- How well do you budget?
- Do you feel it is important to save for retirement?
- Would you be willing to get a second job if we had financial problems?
- Do you have any debt?
- What if a family member wants to borrow a large sum of money?
- Who will take care of the financial matters of the household?
- Do you enjoy travelling?
- How often would you like to travel?
- Where would you like to travel?
- How important is spending time alone to you?
- How would you feel about me going on a trip with the girls (boys) for a couple of weeks?
- How important is spending time with friends to you?
- What would be the perfect weekday evening to you?
- What would we do if we both had a break from work, but each of us had different ideas on how to spend it?
- How often would you want to visit your family?
- How often will your family visit us?
- How often would you want my family to visit?
- How often would you want to visit my family?
- Do you have a family history of diseases or genetic abnormalities?
- What if one of your family members said he disliked me?
- How would you handle holiday family visits?
- If your parents became ill, would you take them in?
- If my parents became ill, would you mind taking them in?
- Does anyone in your family suffer from alcoholism?
- What is your medical family history?
- Would you be opposed to mental health treatment?
- If I had to change my diet because of medical concerns, would you be willing to change yours?
- Are you willing to exercise with me to improve our health?
- Where do you want to live?
- Would you mind moving if I had to relocate with my job?
About the Relationship and Marriage
- What would you do if we fell out of love?
- What are your career aspirations?
- What would you like to be doing five or ten years from now?
- What do you think is the best way to keep the love alive in a marriage?
- How do you think life will change if we got married?
- What is the best thing about marriage?
- What is the worst thing about marriage?
- What is your idea of the best weekend?
- How important are wedding anniversaries to you?
- How would you like to spend special days?
- What kind of grandparent do you want to be someday?
- What type of house do you want to live in?
- What is your biggest fear about marriage?
- What excites you about getting married?
- What do wedding rings mean to you?
- Are you afraid to talk to me about anything?
- What do you think would improve our relationship?
- What would be one thing you would change about our relationship?
- Do you have any doubts about the future of our relationship?
- Do you believe love can pull you through anything?
- Is there anything you don’t trust about me?
- Which would you choose – dishes or laundry?
- Do you like pets?
- How many pets do you want?
- What to do you want to do during retirement?
- At what age would you like to retire?