When Break-ups Go Bad….

Back in the day…it was much easier to escape the plague of breaking up.  20 years ago, the telephone was attached to the wall.  There was no social media, texting, or e-mails for that matter.  It was all just starting.  You could have someone else answer the phone and be a buffer.  Now a days, that is not the case people can spew out all that is on their mind and heart for the whole world to see, and have an opinion. Blocking people is a great thing. It really helps during the “breaking up” phase. Let’s be real, one of the hardest things is watching the other person move on!

What is important to remember during a break up is that you are not in control of the other person’s emotions.  It is not your job to make them “feel” better.  How they react is their responsibility.  If they start weirding out on you, telling them you will be their friend, will just confuse the situation more.  Trust me, when they get a little creepy…you do not want to be their friend.  You want to get out of there as fast as you can.  So here are a few tidbits on handling break ups:

  1. Give the other person time they need to work through their feelings.
  2. Take responsibility for your part and nothing more.
  3. Spell out your expectations of contact after the break up and be firm.  (A boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion. If need be block each other for a time. I say a month at minimum, it gives you a start on letting go and not having distractions.)
  4. There is no such thing as “just being friends” after a break up.  You can “just be acquaintances.”
  5. Hold back from being critical and blaming.  The more you say, the more they think is up for negotiation.
  6. Got guilt?  Well, move on from it.  What’s done is done.  Holding onto it all only holds you back.
  7. If name calling starts and/or they start throwing things, LEAVE!! If you feel you are in danger, call 911.
  8. Don’t let them make you be the “bad person.” You have a right to choose what you want in life.
  9. Don’t expect it to be this walk in the park.  Be prepared for hyped up emotions on both sides.
  10. Do guard yourself and get a support system in place.
  11. Do stand your ground.
  12. Do take good care of yourself and get involved in activities that allow you to meet other people and start fresh with new opportunities.

There is no magical formula to move on from a relationship.  Beware of the rebound trap.  Sometimes having someone else there telling you how much they love you feels good for the time but after a few months it will wear on you.  Let yourself feel hurt, the pain of it all.  You will be able to move on.  No relationship is a waste of time, unless, you never learn from them.  Take the power of the pain away by realizing what all transpired, own it, realize what needs to change in your life because of it, and step out to the new opportunities before you.  When we are desperate for a relationship, we tend to “settle.”   When we are confident in who we are and what we want, even if that means being alone, then we will look at relationships wisely.  If you feel devalued or unlovable, “fake it til you make it.”  Act valued and loved, the “feeling” part of it will follow.

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