Happy St. Patrick’s Day!! Thanks for visiting and seeing about how to get lucky! I hope you enjoyed getting a rose!! This is one of my favorite EMERGE events other than giving Coffee Talks at St. Ben’s! Next year we will have to add “The Bachelor” to our Coffee Talks! 😉 I have plenty to say about that… In this blog post I would like to introduce you to a girl who has become a daughter of my heart. Words cannot express how proud I am of her and how much I believe in her. I will let her introduce herself and explain more about how she got lucky, with that…Everyone…meet Angel.
Hi, I’m Angel, I am not sure what your story is, but mine has really just begun. This last Fall I hit bottom, I ended a four year relationship with my high school sweet-heart. He literally ripped my heart out. If you have been there you know what I am talking about!!
This was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through but it ended up being a blessing in disguise. I got lucky. I truly feel like I have walked to “hell” and back. I have scars, wisdom, truth and confidence. It was a long walk, but one that had to be taken.
When EMERGE had hosted Sean Lowe, a previous Bachelor, at SCSU last year I learned about Tammy and the EMERGE program. I never really thought I would need to get Relationship Coaching, but being relationships are not my family’s strong point, I decided to keep the information just in case. I’m glad I did.
Let me paint you a simple picture, I started dating my ex in the 9th grade. He was my best friend. (Little side-note girls, keep your girlfriends close, never replace that with a boy. Guys, never let her.) I honestly thought I would marry him. After all, four years is a long time to invest in someone. As I stated, I got lucky, his exploring college life did me a huge favor. I didn’t understand it at the time and I most certainly did not feel lucky. I was sick to my stomach, hurt, and confused. Uncertain of how to sort through all I was feeling, I called Tammy and scheduled a time to have coffee. When you are in a place of desperation, it is vital to find someone to walk alongside you. We met at Caribou, I shared what I was feeling, something was not right, I knew it deep inside. What he was doing was not okay. I honestly got to the place where the pain of what he was doing outgrew the frustrations and hurt of the relationship alone; therefore I broke up with him.
When my ex started college what I thought was happening was him losing sight of who he was, but now I realize this is him, he is just acting it out in another way. He passes responsibility off on others. He never would claim responsibility for his actions, and it was always my fault when things didn’t work out. He even told me he couldn’t stand against the peer pressure in college and that he couldn’t help that the ladies liked him so much. He is a very attractive guy…I’ll give him that. He would say he is isn’t happy and doing these things made him happy. It deeply hurt that he was okay with doing these things for the sake of happiness, knowing he was hurting me.
I had always believed that our relationship was healthy, but it really wasn’t…while we were together, I couldn’t see the truth. Too much of my heart and identity was wrapped up in it. Maybe I was in denial. I thought he supported me…he didn’t. As a matter of fact, right before we broke up I was going through a family tragedy and he came home to “support” me but in reality it was my guilting him, not him being there for me. Everywhere I went I had to be with him. He made me feel so bad about being without him. Our relationship was all about him and what “made HIM happy.” I never stopped and thought about me. I always stressed myself out making sure “we” were ok. Tears were a common occurrence.
My ex begged and pleaded for me to wait and let him get this all out of his system. He said he wouldn’t stop what he was doing, didn’t want to change, but he knew he was going to marry me. He would also tell me he knew I deserved better. I was so confused on how he could be saying he loved me, wanted to marry me, I deserved better, but he wouldn’t change. That is a lot to try and process.
Honestly, even though my ex wasn’t the man I needed him to be, I wasn’t the woman he needed either. I made him my world. Things were crazy at home so I attached myself and my identity onto him. I revolved my life around him. I allowed all of this to go on. What I thought was fighting for our relationship was my being lost and confused about what love really is. We both tried to love each other the best we knew how. We didn’t know. My ex needs someone who will hold him accountable as a man, who will stand her ground, keep her identity, will genuinely love him, not use him for false security, and value. He deserves to be treated well. I don’t hate him. I am learning to forgive and claim responsibility for MY PART. All that I stated above that my ex did, I allowed.
Can I just be real here? Through this process I have learned NO ONE has the power to steal or give you happiness. It is a choice. The longer I am out, the more apparent it becomes. Every day it gets more and more clear. I have realized what kind of man I need. One who will lead my home and be genuine, who will look a person in the eyes with integrity-a man I can trust, that will be the stable foundation for my family. My family has been hard. I never want my children to live through that. That is why I am doing the necessary work now to build my future in a healthy manner.
Seven months later I still hurt about what has all transpired. I feel lucky to have found myself. I have learned so much. It’s been real. The call to Tammy from EMERGE was hard, but I knew deep down I needed to. I hope you are able to find the support you need if you ever find yourself in this situation.
I have never felt so free, so HAPPY and so ME!!!!
Thanks for letting me share. I hope it helps and gives you encouragement.
Best wishes to you all.
Can you define “happiness?” This “happy” culture, or should I say the “happy” cult is a fraud. As a Relationship Coach, I hear so many people pulling out the, “I just want to be happy” card then soon to follow is a path of self-destruction. So why? Why do people insist on being happy? Because they know their life is missing something. I watch lives be transformed by this world and what it defines as “happy,” like a tornado that goes through the neighborhood. Family members, friends, co-workers, kids, brothers, sisters, parents, and everyone in it’s path while they look for happiness are left to deal with the aftermath and put themselves back together as they try to cope with the pain left behind. The root is so selfish and bitter that no one will find “happiness” when looking for it in this context. Why? Because they do not understand what it is they are looking for or how to achieve it. They are just tired and do not want to keep going the way they are, or how to deal with the relationship stresses they are in.
Young adult after young adult, sit with me having a cup of coffee feeling lost over their recent break up. Suddenly they are single because their loved one is in a pursuit of “happiness.” As one guy explained to me that he got angry and broke it off with his girlfriend of many years. He decided it was time for him to be happy. As a single young 20 something guy he started drinking, partying, having reckless behavior, and doing wild things. He felt so “free.” After several weeks, he realized what always meant the most to him was gone. The girl was moving on. Her heart was broke and he knew she meeting with me to pick up the pieces. This guy saw that she was becoming someone who had hope and a future. She was getting on track and pressing forward. He realized he wanted to be part of what she was doing and called me to become the man it would take to win her back. I sat across from him and asked him to define what happiness is. This thing he chased and let everything else go for. He couldn’t.
What does it take to be happy? I am going to tell you exactly what it means to be happy.
“Happy” is a cup of coffee, new car, outfit, sport wins, money, gifts, and all immediate gratification. It’s a feeling that comes over us and then it fades. It is about excitement and infatuated emotions. People make life changing, life altering decisions based on these emotions. They go into “crisis” mode regardless of their age. It is simply destructive to their loved ones.
Happiness is defined as a state of being happy or feeling of joy, blessed, fulfilled. It’s integrity, living by convictions, morals, and sound judgment. It’s learning from mistakes, making a difference with their life, seeking their passions, learning about themselves and those around them in order to have relationships that build up rather than tear down. It’s about people who love you. I completely understand it takes two in a relationship, and that there are deep wounds that seem unbearable to heal. As a Relationship Coach I understand that, have walked through that, and am here to support you through it as well.
If you feel empty, stop, realize what it takes to feel fulfilled. Figure out the areas in your life that are stressed and find a way to balance it out by learning your love language, temperament, gifts, and purpose. Be proactive, not reactive.